Q: When is it politically incorrect for a man to tell a woman she has nice
hair?
A: When he is a midget!



So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."
One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put
it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50
bill.

He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other
cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top
that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker
in me took over...

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60
bucks, and headed for the door.



Three boys get into a fight while playing marbles in the park one day. But
just as they start to throw punches, one little boy cries out, "I'll get my
dad on you!"

The second boy cries out, "Well my dad's tougher than your dad, he can crush
a beer can with his forehead!" The other two boys look at each other and
say,"Well that's pretty tough!"

Just then the third little boy cries out, "Well that ain't nothin', my dads
so tough he can break a 2x4 with one punch!"

The other two boys look at each other and also replied, "That's pretty darn
tough too!"

But then the first little boy stepped back, and said to both of them, "Well
that ain't nothin', my dad's as tough as they come!"

The other two boys replied, "Well what makes your dad so tough?"

The first little boy stood up straight, poking his chest out,and replied,
"My daddy's so tough, he eats lightbulbs!"

The other two boys looked with disbelief,and replied, "How do you know? You
ever seen him eat one?"

"No!", the little boy replied, "but I heard my daddy running through the
house into their bedroom and yell out "Turn out the light, honey, I wanna
eat that thing!!!'"



Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one
of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.
What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo
and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle
your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole
in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My
nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies
pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you
know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: [logged off]



A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas
flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and
this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you
this morning?"

"Don't stop."



READING THE SIGNS:
How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements
Taken From Women's Glibber

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex

2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is
a virgin

5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent

6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif -
Compulsive Don Quixote

7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don
Juan

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho

9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow

10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow

11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm

12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will
not go "all the way"

13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful
gymnastics in bed

14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's
not, will get pregnant and sue

15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't

16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only

17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs

18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation

19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come

20. Insists on having some of whatever you orderded - Will make you sleep
on the wet spot

21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you

22. Changes tables - Nyphomaniac

23. Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)

24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)

25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then
try to borrow money

26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty
during sex

27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob

28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch

29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in
with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball
posters

30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count

31. Undertips waiter - Small penis

32. Undertips parking valet - Small penis

33. Undertips cabbie - Small penis

34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex

36. Cellular phone in car - Penile inplant



To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2
times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack
in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2
times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

1. Came home drunk and tried to "do" the cat. . . . . . 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
were "doing" the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.
What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you
felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!



From: JmJ ([email protected])

I submitted this in an "under 10 minute" essay contest- the topic of the
contest being "Nakedness":

He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I would
love the nakedness of it all. He said it was stylish. He said I would feel
cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he had been thinking about this
for a long time. He said he would do it himself.

He said he would be careful. He said he would go slow. He said was ready to
begin. He said to lay down. He said that he would help me relax. He said he
loved me. He said he felt like an artist. He said he was done. He said he
adored the way it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he
wanted to show me off. He said he needed to take me out like this. He said
that he wanted people to see me like this. He said we would have a most
exciting day. He said he would be right back. He said he had to get his
shoes on.

I said... Well I didn't say anything. Poodles don't talk.




Did you know they made a shoe for lesbians called dikies they had a
recall already the tounges were to short



Q: How do you make your wife scream during sex?

A: Call her up and tell her where you're at!



America's Sex Laws


In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so
requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to
take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or
holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members
of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're
nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin
beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple
rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor
between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each
guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they
are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There
was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets
because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a
young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk
his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out
of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful
urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are
frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a
man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a
sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.



Top 10 reasons why suicide is better than sex:

10. You can still commit suicide when you're drunk off your ass.
9. You don't have to worry about 'safe suicide.'
8. Nobody wakes you up to ask for more.
7. No limit to the number of techniques.
6. Nobody ever asks for a long-term suicide commitment.
5. Who cares if you get a disease?
4. Doing it by yourself is just as good!
3. Easier than finding a date on a Saturday night.
2. Nobody ever complains about 'bad suicide.'

And the top reason...

1. YOU don't have to clean up the mess!




A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average
penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way,
my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski,
nice to meet you."



Jumping

A general and his paratrooper son are sitting at home discussing events.

"So son tell me about your first jump," says the general.

"Well we got to the jump site, and I was really scared. I didn't think I
could do it. When it was my turn to jump, I got to the door, and I just
couldn't do it."

"What happened then?", asked the general.

"Well, then my drill seargent came up behind me, and pulled out his tool
and said "Jump or I'm going to stick this in your arse".

"Well did you jump?", asked the general.
&q