The stupid joke An Englishman, an American and a German were sitting in a bar, drinking Beer(as they do), and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The American agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The German nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I tink of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis! The golfcourse joke One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat. "What do you do?" the first man asked. "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man. The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived. Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here." The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?" "Gray." Then he asked "What color siding?" "Yellow." "You got a silver Toyota?" "Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car." "That your red pickup next to it?" Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope. Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. "What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?" The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?" "Yeah." "Your buddy got black hair?" "Yeah!" "Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman. "Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them Right now!" The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the balls!" The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy.This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!" The Aliens joke Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response. The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response. The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!! At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down the road." The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to walk away. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear..... The dog joke Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old!!" He said, "You must have been quite a kid". When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night!" Then the clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!" The Judge said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me. He said "Me too". Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning. I said looking for Sex. My case comes up Monday........ Source: Morten Bøhmer Strøm The closet joke A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet too. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you DO want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "Ok... How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that with me in here!" replies the priest. Source: Angel_Dust The lottery joke This girl runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!" He says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She replies, "I don't care...Just get the fuck out!" The Italian who went to Malta (Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy. Clinton Jokes How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again!" During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky". Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky" Why did Bill get into this problem? He didn't know that harass was one word. Why is there no proof? She swallowed the evidence. Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had. What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat." The Bet A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money". After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you 25,000 that your balls are square." "Haa" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "25,000 says the president's balls are squarea" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, " 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him 100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." The Burglar A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says: "I agree completely...... ....and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler". Clinton's Monicagate goes to heaven Clintons "Monicagate" goes to heaven: Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper. The scandal begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed" and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily." Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Three Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. Men-Jokes What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. What is the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby. What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them. Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains. What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home. Turner Brown A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small white guy faints. The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong ?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around". Hazardous Materials Information Sheet ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface usually covered in painted film Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if incorrectly used. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason. Insoluble in liquids, but actively increases greatly in saturation of alcohol. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a great aid to relaxation. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. Turns green when placed beside a betta specimen. HAZARDS: Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other. Sex Problem A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work". "Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie". "Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack". Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards". "What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"